Time To Get Serious

Monday, June 23, 2008

It's time to get serious. I mean, it's literally 2 months away --the wedding I have to go to-- and I have only lost like 5lbs. I have to get my ass in gear.

Sometimes, I think that I sabotage myself (although not on purpose) because maybe I'm afraid...afraid that being hot could be a reality (and a very close one) if I just accepted it & worked at it. Being hot (or even relatively close) is scary when you haven't been that for a long time. For example, when I was in high school, I was very thin (but still had my big boobs) and long blonde hair. I guess you could say I was hot...and I remember how that felt! It was awful sometimes! Sure, all the boys wanted to sleep with me and people always talked about how cute I was, but I never had any girl friends. They all hated me. And then, as I got older (and a little bigger each year), I noticed that I started making friends with girls. I liked that. I started to feel good about myself. So, I started to do more things again and began getting back to my high school weight. Wouldn't you know it! All the girl "friends" that I had managed to make started to flake out on me...dump me...reverting to pettiness and creating reasons not to hang out with me anymore. It hurt. And I'm afraid that the same thing will happen again. I guess that's the real reason I haven't tried hard enough.

I think that there is the pecking order with women. There are always roles to be played: the smart one, the pretty one, the fat one, the funny one, the bad girl, the goody-2-shoes, etc... Sometimes they overlap. Everything is copacetic as long as everyone plays their part. Step out of your role and WATCH OUT!
It just sucks that that is even a reality. Can you avoid it? I don't think so, not with the way women are so fucking catty and vindictive.

Anyway, it's time to get serious. I can't worry about which girlfriend will dump me or start treating me differently when my physical appearance changes. If they are real, they will continue to like me for me. If they are secure in themselves, (which ironically is the whole fucking problem with the way women act [think about how many times you've looked at a girl who was way cuter than you and you said something nasty about her w/out even knowing the person]), then they will have no problems with me doing this.


So, let it begin...